Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
