If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
