I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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