your parents love me but you hate me
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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