8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Two words: nipple clamps
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