Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
