the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
