so that wasnt chicken after all
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
