i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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