Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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