I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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