tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
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