You made me cry and you don't even care
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
