apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
