I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
