96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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