I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
