I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
