Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
