He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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