let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize