Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
