once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
