I am midnight drunk by noon
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
