somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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