i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Too much gin, very little bucket
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
