I can text with my tongue
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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