Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Sorry about my life...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
