Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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