so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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