is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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