apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
