It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Congratulations! We have a period
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