I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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