I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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