yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
