Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
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I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
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The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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