so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
