She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
