It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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