So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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