Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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