Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Randomize
