six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
