took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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