I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
