you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I could make wine with my vomit
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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