The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
