This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.