I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!