im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.