just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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