btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
