By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
