i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
