He disabled his match.com account in front of me
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
