he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
