I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
